Once there lived two kind children on the street and they had no place to go there was a boy called Jonathan and a girl call Lucia (Little sister).They started walking on the streets and then Boom! they heard a loud bang near them.”What's that noise ” called Lucia? They thought it was farmers with shotguns but when they saw people falling to the ground and blood going everywhere they started to run.
They ran as fast as they could but gunshots were right behind them .Jonathan’s heart was pounding like it was going to fall out but it didn’t.I was so petrified.
Bang!.
Everything started to get blurry. The big army was coming closer and then Jonathan’s eyes closed and it never opened Lucia ran as fast as she could but then she looked back she saw Jonathan on the floor and she tried to lift Jonathan back up but she couldn’t so she ran as fast as she could until she stopped in the abandon woods.
She was so scared but she didn’t want to get shot.She went straight into the forest and all she could see was souls flying around and things running fast she tried running without getting seen but it didn’t work “Oh no” she cried out.Lucia tried to catch the souls with a bottle she found and she caught all the souls.
“Just like catching rocks in a bag” And then she found other things but she didn’t want to use it.The fast runners tried to catch her but they were to slow for Lucia.When she got out there were blood everywhere and when she looked at the dirt she saw lots of gigantic pile of dirt.
“Why is it like that” she said confused?. She tried going into people’s houses to get food but all she could find was dead bodies.When she was at the last house she went in and she was crying her tears out it was a little baby the little baby didn’t have blood on it but it looked like she was choked to death because of the marks on her neck.
A man came down but he wasn’t a soldier it was a Guish man. “Are you Guish” said the man in a deep voice.”Yes I am” said Lucia.The man said follow me and they went to a alley way and it was the only place with no blood on it.
They went to a house with metal covered around. “How are we going to get in there.The man went to the big rock and he moved.Under the rock was a hole.
The hole was very big but it wasn’t big as the rock.They both jumped in. “What’s your name” asked Lucia “Butch but you can call me david” We were in a basement.
The basement was big and dusty.It was like people hasn’t used this basement for a long time.But when we got up stairs it was clean like this place is new.
Two other kids ran past us. “Who are they” asked lucia They are my niece and nephew they are twins”. “ Everyone I see is getting killed and its like the humans a going to be extinct”.
“It’s because they are Guish and the soldiers are natis people who hate Gue’s.That is
3 comments:
One thing I love about your narrative story is that you showed a lot of onomatopoeia. My favourite sentence of your story is, “What’s your name” asked Lucia “Butch but you can call me David”. One thing I think you could work on next time is to use fewer paragraphs and make sure your spelling is right.
* One thing I love about your narrative story is the way you have used good sentences that make us feel your character's emotions!
* My favourite sentence of your story is "Jonathan’s heart was pounding like it was going to fall out but it didn’t." It was hard for us to choose a favourite sentence because lots of your sentences were amazing! Especially how you used your full stops and capital letters to make it easy to follow!
* One thing I think you could work on next time is to work on your sentence starters and making sure your story makes sense.
By Charlie-Ray
Hi James Khorus here,* One thing I love about your narrative story is that you have lots of interesting words in your storie.* My favourite sentence of your story is the first paragraph because it is really interesting. One thing I think you could work on next time is you could put more question marks in your storie
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